The Common Trap of External Validation #
This chapter delves into the most common, yet often least effective, approach to achieving goals and finding fulfillment: the Have-Do-Be model. In this paradigm, people fundamentally believe they first need to have something (e.g., a degree, money, a specific relationship, a certain job title) in order to do something (e.g., get a good job, start a business, be happy), which then allows them to be a certain way (e.g., successful, fulfilled, loved).
“If only I had X, then I could do Y, and then I would be Z.”
The Perpetual State of Chasing #
From a young age, our societal and educational systems often reinforce this model. We are taught to have good grades to do well in college, to have a degree to do a certain job, and then we can finally be successful. This mindset creates a perpetual state of chasing. We constantly seek external possessions or circumstances, believing that once we acquire them, happiness and fulfillment will automatically follow. This pursuit is often driven by fear—fear of not having enough, not being good enough, or not achieving external markers of success. This fear can lead to anxiety, constant striving, and a feeling of never being truly satisfied. However, this is a profound trap, as external achievements often provide only temporary satisfaction, leaving us feeling unfulfilled and always wanting more. It’s a cycle of external validation, where our sense of self-worth is tied to what we possess.
The Rider Trapped by External Carrots #
In the context of our Rider and Horse analogy, the Have-Do-Be model describes a Rider who is constantly dangling external carrots in front of the Horse. The Rider believes that once the Horse has that carrot (the new car, the bigger house, the perfect partner), then the Horse will do what’s required (be happy, be motivated, be disciplined), and only then will the Rider be fulfilled. This approach fails because the Horse (our subconscious) is conditioned to constantly seek the next external reward, never truly finding lasting satisfaction. The Rider’s focus is entirely outward, neglecting the internal state that truly drives sustainable motivation and well-being.
The Illusion of Future Happiness #
Consider the person who says, “I’ll be happy when I get that promotion,” or “I’ll finally relax after I buy that house.” This is the Have-Do-Be model in action. They defer their state of being (happiness, relaxation) to a future condition dependent on an external acquisition. This can lead to chronic dissatisfaction, as the goalposts of happiness are constantly moving. Even if the external thing is acquired, the underlying internal state remains unchanged, leading to a hollow victory.
Breaking Free from the Cycle #
To break free from the Have-Do-Be cycle, you must begin to question the fundamental assumption that external possessions dictate your internal state. Start by:
- Identifying Your “If Onlys”: What are the external things you believe you must have before you can be a certain way?
- Challenging the Link: Is it truly impossible to cultivate that desired state before acquiring the external thing? Can you be confident now, even without that promotion?
- Shifting Focus Inward: Begin to cultivate the desired internal state (e.g., peace, confidence, joy) independent of external circumstances. This is the first step towards true self-mastery.
The Path Beyond External Chasing #
The Have-Do-Be model is a treadmill of external chasing, leaving us perpetually unfulfilled. Recognizing this trap is the first step towards a more powerful and sustainable path, one that shifts the focus from external acquisition to internal cultivation. In the next chapter, we will explore a slightly more active, but still often flawed, approach: the Do-Have-Be model.